


dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.

by ReturnToZero



Series: Alone [1]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: M/M, Mainly his POV and thoughts, Oumacentric, P.A. au, Slight Cannon divergence, and more philosophy, has some weird shit going on in the background, now with more despair, pay no mind to it, sort of dark?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 16:55:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReturnToZero/pseuds/ReturnToZero
Summary: Kokichi thinks about what it means to be real.





	dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.

**Author's Note:**

> ***  
>  _I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am._  
>  _-articulated from **Descartes** by **Antoine Leonard Thomas**  
>  ***_

Kokichi wonders if he’ll ever be able to get out of the casino.

 

Honestly, it was amazing that he was still here, trying to get some stupid ‘special prize’ that Monokuma had claimed they could each get. Even just recalling the damned announcement made him cringe-

 

_“Upupupu~! The slot machines might even give you personalized gifts from yourselves to yourselves!”_

 

The offer itself was enticing, **_a gift from themselves to themselves_ ** ? That has a shit ton of implications, ranging from a possible voluntary participation into this killing game to being a certain way _before_ the game started. Their choice of gift could reveal more about the truth behind this game (and more importantly, their role in it).

 

At first, everyone was intrigued, ready to give up their precious monocoins in order to get a chance at a super special gift that would undoubtedly give them either comfort or an edge over everyone else. But it became clear that it wasn’t just going to be handed to them and the class ran out of coins and patience. Now it was just him, alone in the casino with about seventeen monocoins left. He does the same thing over and over and over again-

 

He fills up the machine with 5 coins, pulls the lever and either loses it all or gains some other bullshit prize that was worthless to begin with anyways. At least when the damned slot machine hit payout in monocoins it gave him more opportunities to try. He’s so brain-dead to the situation that he barely realizes he’s repeated these same steps two times already.

 

Kokichi is close to ripping his hair out. He has only seven coins left now.

 

His fingers are heavy and stinging from all the coin pushing, just barely aching at the tip of his finger at the place where his digit makes contact with the metal coins, mindlessly dumping them into the slot. This is his last chance at getting the prize, lest he actually has to do favors for people for more money to gamble away. He was about ready to cry in frustration and just give up, the dumb prize probably wasn’t even worth all the hassle and pain-

 

Suddenly the screen started flashing all kinds of colors, enough to make him cringe from the blaring lights. The bold blocky yellow and red letters assaulting his eyes, _MEGA JACKPOT._

 

The tray shot out an unsuspecting box, hitting him in the shin and making him yelp in pain.

 

Monokuma appears out of nowhere, with his usual cheerful tone that contradicts his malicious intent. “Congratulations you little shit stain, you’ve managed to get the super duper ultra secret gift from yourself!”

 

Kokichi grimaces at the ugly bear. “And here I was thinking this was just a sleazy, get-rich-quick scam.”

 

He picks up the box and finds it hard to discern anything right off the bat. He shakes it, but he doesn’t hear anything rattle or even move inside. The black leathery box has a thin purple string on it, barely enough to keep the lid down. He starts to untie it and suddenly Monokuma begins to screech-

 

“You are sort of right, this was a bit of a scam. But I didn’t think someone would actually be dying to get a gift from themselves! Thanks to your stupid meddling now I have to add new rules!” the robotic bear laments.

 

Kokichi feels his student handbook suddenly vibrate; Once, twice, three times. The supreme leader fishes it out of his pocket before looking over the updated rules-

 

  1. **_Students that receive the Super Duper Ultra Special Gift cannot re-gift them to other students._**



 

  1. **_Students cannot open their Super Duper Ultra Special Gift outside of their rooms._**



 

  1. **_Students cannot talk about their Super Duper Ultra Special Gifts with other students._**



 

He scoffs at the new rules, wondering if this is somehow a new motive for the killing game. It would be super easy to plant something with a note, saying that it is from you but not truly knowing whether it is or isn't. Then you’d be faced with the whole _can I even trust myself_ dilemma. (Huh. Wasn’t that already something someone already struggled with before though?) Alas, with his new prize in hand Kokichi heads off to his room to get a better look at his gift.

 

In the tornado of a place he calls his room, he barely has enough floor space to get from the door to his desk. He clears some past trial evidence from the desk and lets them drop into an empty box he brought from the warehouse. He’s much too curious about the prize he has but makes sure to hold a healthy amount of skepticism in his heart.

 

Who knows, maybe this was something his past self premeditated and the gift would reveal everything he could ever wonder about this bullshit of a situation.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Yeah_ **_right_ ** _._

 

 _The gift was suspicious_ **_as fuck_ ** , but he sure as hell would rather know what it is than to leave it undiscovered.

 

The knot on the string unravels easily, and the purple string falls away from the lid. It is simple, but a nice touch of color against the stark darkness of the leather. He lifts the lid off the box and is immediately left with a note that covers the entire opening of the box-

 

**_Test them. Eventually, you’ll have a 50/50 chance of ending the game._ **

 

The words seem to be in his own writing, especially with the shakiness in each letter and odd spacing that he’s aware would be too much trouble to replicate. The paper is slightly heavier than anything he has found in the school, as it seems to be made of a thick, soft card stock. It tips him off that there must be an outside since this paper probably couldn’t have been made here.

 

He sets the note aside and his heart stops at his gift-

 

It’s a kitchen knife. (He vaguely recalls Kirumi distinguishing it as a Santoku?) It seems to be high quality since the wooden handle has a lovely gloss on it, the box even has a foam cut out to make sure it stays in place. The blade glistens in the light, laying innocently in the box, beautiful and deadly.

 

_And he doesn’t really know what to make of it._

 

(Would this really be a gift that he would give himself? Or was this just another one of Monokuma’s stupid motives?)

 

He looks back at the handwritten note, inspecting the page for possibly anything else he missed. He flips the page, but still- nothing more than those two sentences and the knife were in the box. Kokichi closes the box and stashes it under his bed, he’d have to gather more evidence before doing anything else with the strange gift.

 

***

 

He had always been on edge in the school, trusting no one and doing his best to ensure that he would figure out what exactly was going on here. (They didn’t deserve to be trapped here, but he couldn’t delude himself into thinking that they were all innocent. Knows that when people are pushed to the brink, some people never come back.)

 

So when the double murder happens right before his eyes, he can’t help but become despondent.(None of them deserve to die. But someone was here, trying to pull the strings so they all destroyed themselves. The ringleader didn’t even have to raise a finger, not when they could control everything through things like _motives_ and _fear_.)

 

As usual, Monokuma forces them to forget to ask the big questions in favor of the immediate mystery of whodunnit. The remaining classmates all break off to do their own petty little investigations.

 

To be honest, the only one who really had to do anything was Shuichi. He was the Ultimate Detective after all, so he actually had the brain power to figure this shit out. He guesses that they were probably lucky to have him around, but it also meant that there were probably people here who were super dependent on his talents.

 

Who knows, maybe if someone killed Shuichi next, then they’d all die.

 

_He wonders if someone would even be able to do something like that-_

 

It was then that he saw _something strange_.

 

He swore he saw a shadowy figure move into the second room just outside of Korekiyo’s lab. They were tall and had a stocky build, but the silhouette was unlike anyone he could recognize. The Supreme Leader had to admit, the fact that he saw it from his peripherals made it worse. He wants to chalk it up to it being a trick of the eyes, but there’s a nagging feeling in his chest that said otherwise.

 

Kokichi’s heart pounds even harder than before, _maybe the mastermind wasn’t one of them, but operating behind the scenes._

 

He rushes into the room without a second thought, hoping to catch either a stranger on the premise or clear up the trick of the eyes. The petite boy enters the room, trying his best to see the silhouette in the darkness-

 

A sharp pain enters his skull as the floor beneath him suddenly disappears.

 

The sudden force of the floorboard catches him off guard, and he is unable to do anything but yell out in pain. The event ends as quickly as it started, with him nearly falling through to the foundation of the room and sporting a concussion. He lies on the ground, feeling his head pop open as the warm, sticky blood spilled out. His forehead throbbed with pain, and that pain only intensified every time he tried to move.

 

Kokichi remembers they all had split up during the investigation, and he wasn’t sure if anyone would even return to this area soon.

 

_Maybe this was the plan._

 

 _Kill Kokichi_ _Ouma and_ _then allow for all his hard work to be unfinished. Leave the knife, now as a free item for anyone to find as a secret murder weapon that no one would be able to account for. It would only cause more chaos in this fucked up school, maybe to the point where even the Ultimate Detective couldn’t see it coming-_

 

Kokichi couldn’t allow something like that happen on his watch.

 

He does his best to crawl forward, so the floorboard he’s on is able to seesaw back to a neutral position.

 

It takes all his strength to manage that, and through a stroke of luck, he begins to hear soft footsteps. Kokichi really doesn’t know if the person approaching was the murderer or a friend so he stays still on the ground, quiet like the dead.

 

A few tense moments pass as he tries to make his breathing shallow and unnoticeable.

 

“What the...” Shuichi begins, clearly shocked at the bloody scene.

 

Kokichi doesn’t want to alarm him, and can only manage a shaky smile as he pushes himself up onto his arms, fronting that this is another one of his silly pranks. “It’s a lie!”

 

Shuichi seems upset at this, and his expression is hard and filling with disgust. Kokichi would have loved to get this kind of reaction out of the cool-headed detective if this were a real prank! Still, he has other things to worry about so he keeps up his usual lies and hates how his eyes water a bit from the ache in his skull.

 

“Wh-What are you doing?” Shuichi looks completely perplexed as if trying to figure out the meaning behind this ‘prank’.

 

Kokichi stares at Shuichi and suddenly his heart tightens. _Would Shuichi even believe him if he told him the truth? Was what he thought he saw even be good to bring up at a time like this?_

 

He continues to stare at Shuichi, taking in how the detective wasn’t giving him anything. Shuichi was talking to him like he was an investigator, not like someone who really cared about his injury.

 

 _Was Shuichi even someone he could_ **_trust_ ** _?_

 

“Oh, sorry… I’m just a little light-headed from the blood loss. Yeah, this is real blood… ”

 

**Kokichi wasn’t sure.**

 

“I got curious about something, so I decided to search the empty room next door.” Not a complete lie, but enough to get them continuing his work. Who knows, if Shuichi can find something to corroborate what he saw, then maybe he would have to consider the detective more in the future.

 

Either way, this was something that could not go unexplored, whether it was for the investigation or the overall game.

 

The world begins to feel like it’s shaking, and he nearly falls from the sudden motion. It makes his eyes water more, and he’s trying to make them stop without having to wipe his face. That would make his tears _obvious_. He presses on anyway, trying to act like he’s all dandy while recalling what happened with the room. He talks about the trap in the room and tries not to move too enthusiastically since it hurts too much to put up his usual flare.

 

The Supreme Leader hates how he isn’t able to eavesdrop on the conversation happening right in front of him. It was pathetic, and it made him feel useless. They were both suddenly looking at him and Kokichi realizes they probably asked him something that he didn’t respond to.

 

“C’mon, I’m going to try and find a medical kit so I can fix you up.” Shuichi says in such a soft and caring tone that it _almost_ makes the Supreme Leader blush.

 

Kokichi tries his best to focus, but his mind feels like there’s a thick black sludge that mucks up his actions. The detective mutters an apology as he suddenly takes Kokichi’s arm over his shoulder and helps support his weight. It’s funny, seeing the detective have to crane his neck awkwardly so he can offer his shoulder to Kokichi. His feet don’t listen to him, and he barely manages to keep his feet from tripping over themselves. Shuichi takes it as slow as he can, torn between going at Kokichi’s pace and getting him out of there as soon as possible.

 

He looks up and winces a bit at the bright lights of the winding hallways, but tries to focus on the detective holding him up.

 

The blinding lights suddenly become dancing lights in his blurred vision, but they cast a lovely glow over Shuichi’s head. _Almost like an angel getting their halo._ Kokichi sneers at the absolutely gross thought, what kind of loser develops a crush in the middle of a killing game? He squashes the feeling and tries to focus on anything else. Sadly, Shuichi’s golden eyes are bright and are the only thing he can clearly see, which makes them easy to focus on.

 

“Kokichi... ” he says again in that soft and sweet voice, that’s full of concern and consideration.

 

_Shuichi really does look like an angel._

 

Kokichi hates how his heart aches to hear more of that tone directed at him.

 

It was a shame that he had to keep his distance, but it was for the best.

 

***

 

Kokichi has a feeling that Kiibo must have something to do with the outside world.

 

It was strange, to have a robot join them as humanity’s last hope. (Wasn’t the whole point of that stupid story to make them think that they were alone and going to repopulate humanity? What a gross lie.) Regardless, Kiibo is much too passive and always talks about an _inner voice_ , which seems pretty sketchy considering that as the Ultimate Robot he probably has communicator functions that are similar to a radio.

 

He sets off his photo to one side and writes **_Dangerous_ ** under it.

 

The supreme leader frowns and starts going through the rest of his classmates, making sure to outline killers and victims, and start speculation on potential blackened-

 

Out of his remaining eight classmates, he thinks those with the most potential to become the next blackened were Miu, Maki, or Kaito. All three of them have started showing signs of becoming increasingly violent, and probably could be manipulated to kill when given the right motive.

 

Himiko, Tsumugi, and Gonta aren’t completely off the hook though, but he doubts they have the resources and energy to actually go through with a murder. It seems unlikely that the ringleader was going to focus their efforts on them.

 

He looks at Shuichi and sighs, as much as he hates to admit it he’s slowly starting to trust the detective. Shuichi was kind, and he’s clearly doing his best to avoid further murders. He’s the only one trying to investigate the school as well, and his intentions to get along with everyone is crystal clear.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_But what if that’s the point?_

 

What if that was his game, to do everything right and give off the appearance of having nothing to hide? _It’s easy to let in a friend, only to be stabbed in the back when you least expect it._

 

That would be perfect for something like this. A move that would cause so much drama and excitement, that it is _almost_ **_encouraged_ **.

 

And for that reason, Kokichi **_must doubt_ ** Shuichi, _no matter how much he wants to let him in_.

 

***

 

He continues to play faithful to his (self-assigned) villainous role, playing with the idea of introducing a little danger to the group to keep them on their toes.

 

Kokichi easily gets his hands on some propane and his favorite soda. He chugs a bit of it and fills the bottle with a layer of the clear, bubbling substance. He’s careful with how he balances the Panta in his palm, knowing very well that if he prematurely tips it he’ll ruin the surprise. Kokichi walks back into the main dining hall, surveying the scene before him-

 

Everyone is divided into their clicks or focused on eating, Kaito is being loud as usual, Maki is leering at him as she eats. Himiko is chatting about something unimportant to Shuichi and Gonta while Miu is tinkering away with one of her projects.

 

He is about to get into position when he feels a hand grab his arm-

 

Kiibo suddenly raises his voice, “What are you-”

 

Kokichi turns a bit too fast at being startled and he feels his hand tremble, and the bottle in his palm starts to sway to one side-

 

The bottle shoots off like a rocket, spurting soda and gas everywhere as it barrels through the room. It first hits the ceiling with a powerful bang, then the floor and bouncing back up into the air again. Most of the girls are screaming and Kaito is too, everyone else is in shock at the sudden projectile. The students were scrambling around the dining hall, all trying to figure out the best way to avoid being hit. Everyone more or less ducks under the table, but Tsumugi isn’t lucky enough to find space to avoid the rocket-

 

One of the ceiling boards falls and manages to strike the bottle just right, deflecting the bottle towards the ground and ending its rampage. The broken plastic clatters to the floor, rolling around as the students regain their wits.

 

Everyone immediately turns to look at the Ultimate Supreme Leader.

 

“Wow Keeyboy, you really did it this time!” He sing-songs, glaring at the robot.

 

“I didn’t do anything! You looked suspicious so I was going to ask what you were doing.” the mechanical boy sighs, “It seems as if I was a bit too late though.”

 

Kaito scowls, his voice loud and totally irritating. “What the hell Kokichi?! Why would you even need to make a damned soda rocket indoors?!”

 

Maki clicks her tongue, staring him down with narrowed eyes. “Maybe he was trying to kill someone and make it look like an accident.”

 

“Nah, that’s just dumb!” He does his signature laugh, putting on a menacing face, “I just wanted to give everyone a good scare since we’re getting too lax. This is a killing game after all, so we shouldn’t relax too much.”

 

Shuichi frowns at him, disapproval written all over his face. “Kokichi, that was dangerous. That could have really hurt someone you know.”

 

His face goes blank at the tone Shuichi takes with him. As much as it hurts, this is a sign that his plans are working.

 

Gonta is the first to offer to fix the fallen ceiling panel but it takes some extra assistance from Kaito to get it back into place. The girls and Shuichi all check on Tsumugi, and Himiko even comments on how lucky Tsumugi was to have been able to avoid getting hit. He can tell Kiibo is keeping a close eye on him, which only worsens his mood.

 

The group soon resumes whatever boring little chit-chat they had before, Miu and Kiibo leave the dining hall and he’s ignored once more.

 

He looks up at the ceiling, and notices he’s left a dent in one of the panels- obviously from where his rocket struck it. It’s weird though, all the places where the group spends a lot of time are in tip-top condition, as the Monokidz all say that those renovations were the most important.

 

So it’s strange that one of them would just suddenly fall like that. Shouldn’t newly renovated areas be sturdy? Sure his rocket could be pretty powerful, but was it enough to destroy a ceiling panel? The point where the rocket struck the ceiling wasn’t even close to the fallen board, so he really **doubts** they are causally related.

 

It leaves a bad feeling in his gut.

 

***

 

Kokichi is confident that someone is watching them.

 

This game and this whole school were fake, and they’re being played with like toys. He can’t figure out why though, why someone would watch them, why someone would even want to watch a bunch of high school students kill each other.

 

 _It was cruel, to think that somewhere out there, someone was trying (and failing) to save them. Or even worse, that_ **_no one was trying to save them_ ** _._

 

The mastermind of this fucked up game was hidden among them, Shuichi had made that abundantly clear. Their reasons for masquerading as one of the captives? It made it easier for them to manipulate the killings. They would be able to watch them closely, and even maybe befriend them and ultimately be able to parse out _just enough information_ to make new (individualized) motives. Seriously, when the supercomputer room was revealed to them he knew that it would ultimately end in tragedy. (And that tragedy would be most likely either from Miu, since the Ultimate Inventor immediately had a sick fascination with the damned thing.)

 

He wondered if the mastermind cared who was killed, or if they simply wanted to make it as open to everyone as possible.

 

_Would the mastermind even be willing to prevent their own death? Why join in on a game that also put them at risk?_

 

He sits down on the edge of his bed, swinging his legs without really thinking about it. He’s the Ultimate Supreme Leader, and every great leader takes care of their subjects. But right now he’s losing against this mastermind, making him entirely useless since he can’t take the direct route. (Kaede was an obvious example of that being an awful, awful idea.)

 

He feels his eyes burn and screws them shut; _He didn’t deserve that Ultimate title if he kept letting his classmates die. Kokichi needed to end this game, and save as many victims as possible._

 

His legs only swing faster as the anxiety and the burden of failure threaten to drown him. The petite leader is a jittery mess, so much that when his heel hits the box he jumps up in surprise. His heart is thudding loudly in his ears.

 

It’s pathetic, that he’s had this damned thing in his room and he still can’t quite figure the puzzle out. Kokichi didn’t know what else to do with his gift, he wasn’t going to use it to kill anyone. He was worried though, that someone would find it or if he was ever cornered in his own room it had the potential to be used against him.

 

**_Test them. Eventually, you’ll have a 50/50 chance of ending the game._ **

 

Test them? With a knife? Was it to see who did and didn’t trust him? It would probably speak volumes about possible mastermind but at this point he is sure no one would trust him if he came gallivanting in with a knife.

 

He had to figure out the right way to use the gift. Kokichi knows that it isn’t in his nature to kill, he despises the idea of someone taking the life of another (even if they deserve it). It was never his place to judge people to that degree-

 

So how else could he use this knife? Was it meant to be a symbol? Or was it really meant to be a tool that he used?

 

He falls asleep with too many questions and not enough answers.

 

***

 

Ever since the appearance of his motive video, he has thought long and hard about D.I.C.E.

 

Every time he goes through the information and the logic, something doesn’t add up.

 

Whenever he thinks about D.I.C.E. he has this feeling come up in his chest. It’s a happy feeling, a feeling of being a part of something, and of belonging. He can remember the uniforms that mirror his own, checkered scarf and all. He knows they have rules that cannot be broken. They also share lots of laughs and have lots of fun, to the point where he sometimes feels the need to laugh in utter pride during the picture shown in his motive video.

 

But every time he tries to remember their faces, nothing comes to mind.

 

He’s only ever seen clown masks and tries to figure out what is beneath them. Yet he has not one single face to put to each mask. They might as well be mannequins. Strangers without faces, without a true tie to his memory and his being. Feelings were not adequate evidence for anything, so without any faces, he is forced to look further for _any kind of evidence_.

 

Soon, he tries to remember anything about any of his members.

 

**Nothing comes to mind.**

 

No names, he can’t remember how tall they are or what each of their favorite dishes is. All he has is a picture of him standing with a bunch of random people, everyone dressed up to look like a group.

 

_He doesn’t believe they are even real._

 

The feeling of happiness, the stab of pain that comes from failing them- the feeling might be real, but he cannot trust the source. Or maybe, the feelings he has been all fabrications. The thought of D.I.C.E. is a nice one, the thought of being loved and accepted and understood makes him crave it. But he figures real relationships can’t handle his lies. No, not without deteriorating faster than Tenko attacking a degenerate male for being perverted.

 

So to think he has a place to be loved and wanted and respected is obviously a lie. It must be a lie, to stir him up.

 

 _No matter how much he wants to believe it is true, he_ **_cannot_ ** _._ **_He must doubt them too._ **

 

***

 

It’s funny how inspiration can hit at the worst of times.

 

This inspiration comes in the form of screams so loud that he can’t help but run over to see what kind of horror awaits him.

 

He (obviously) wasn’t there to witness it, but apparently, Himiko nearly died from some big accident in Tenko’s empty Lab, to which everyone agreed that it was lucky that she didn’t get hurt.

 

Kokichi takes it into account and makes sure to visit the scene of the crime, also befuddled at the sight before him. One of the hanging metal slabs that was attached to the ceiling now laid on the ground, hanging loosely by one corner via shitty chain. Thankfully it was stationary, but he could tell how much of a scare that gave Himiko and Gonta.

 

Shuichi seems to be trying to calm them down, trying to understand the craziness that just occurred.

 

“So, you’re saying the metal slab just, fell?”

 

Gonta nods. “Yes! Gonta no touch it, Gonta cannot even jump to it, even if Gonta wanted to!”

 

Himiko is shaking but manages to keep her composure. “Yeah, we were just training like usual and then the slab just fell all on its own! I h-had to use my magic to teleport to safety!”

 

Kokichi can’t help but feel like this wasn’t just some accident though. He observes the metal chains and notices the way one of the links looks like it has been melted a couple of times. It was probably that specific link that broke, leading to the whole fiasco- but it still didn’t make sense. Why did someone mess with the chain link? Was this maybe a failed attempt at staging an accident?

  
Something about that thought feels off.

  
Yeah, it would be easy to assume that. But it didn’t make sense when he asked things like how they did it or who they were going to try and target. There weren’t enough tools that were present to do something like that, and even so- why bring them to Tenko’s Lab? If that was the case, then that was just some downright sloppy work.

 

But he cannot deny the fact that _someone tampered with the scene._ Whether it was intentional or accidental, it made his mind start running with all kinds of preposterous ideas.

 

Kaito sighs, patting Himiko and Gonta’s back. “Well, you two should be more careful. It would really suck if we lost one of you due to something stupid like a panel falling.”

 

Kokichi continues to stare at the metal, seeing how warped and strange the weakest link was. It was severely discolored, and despite being lower on the chain, it seemed like it was defective somehow.

 

Maki quietly pulls him aside, speaking just loud enough that Kokichi has to strain himself just to hear her. “You be careful too. This might be a new setup someone was trying to pull.”

 

Kaito simply puffs his chest. “Nonsense Makiroll! I doubt any of us could even do something so cowardly, staging an accidental death.” His face splits into a bright smile, and he gives her a thumbs up, “Besides! True heroes never die!”

 

Himiko clutches her chest, a sudden uneasiness coming over her. “Well, I’m tired of having so many scares! If almost dying three times means I’m a hero then I don’t wanna be a hero anymore!”

 

For a second Kokichi doesn’t really understand what she means. This is only the first time she’s had an accident like this, right?

 

He hates the shiver that runs down his back, knowing that this was a trail that he would have to pursue if he wanted to know anything else about this evil scheme.

 

***

Kokichi seeks out Himiko a few days later but finds that she is not at all useful to his investigation.

 

“What? Do you think I made the accident in Tenko’s lab happen?” Himiko usually hates when he is around, and this is no exception. The only difference is instead of cowering in fear, she seems to be utterly fed up with his tactics.

  
“You always accuse me! Everyone does! I would never hurt my friends and yet every time something happens I’m the first one everyone accuses!”

  
Kokichi realizes that he should probably back off for now.

  
Then again, she is right. It’s kind of scary how many times the Ultimate Mage has come close to death. Korekiyo would have killed her had not Tenko stepped in. She had been the first on the chopping block for Ryoma, Tenko and Angie’s murders. Hell, even the accident nearly took her life.

  
_Huh._

 

It was really strange how danger seemed to surround this little fake mage. Kokichi finally whines, spewing some easy bullshit about being bored as he finally turns away. He can hear Himiko burst out into tears behind him, and he really is glad he’s leaving. He really hates dealing with crying girls, and even more so when he knows it's his fault.  
  
Yet, as usual, the dumb Luminary of the Stars is more than ready to come swooping in like a white knight-

 

“Hey now, don’t cry…” Kokichi almost wants to laugh, it seems that Kaito also can’t handle a girl’s tears.

 

Kokichi waits just out of sight, still listening in to make sure everything is indeed resolved nicely.

 

Kaito struggles to find words but lets her air out her tears. In a minute, Himiko seems to have regained herself.

  
“Chin up Himiko! You’re a good mage! Meaning that you’re a hero too!”

  
Kokichi nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears a low voice begin to muse-

 

“That is weird.” Maki begins, with just a hint of confusion in her voice, “You’re pretty lucky to have managed to get this far.”

“What? Maki! That’s rude, don’t say shit like-”

  
“I know.” Himiko admits ruefully.

There is a tense pause between them. Kokichi desperately wants to watch but he knows his cover will be blown if he does so. Still, he wonders if Maki can provide any insight.

 

Finally, a sigh breaks the tension.

  
“Sorry. What I guess I mean is, maybe you really are a hero or whatever.”

  
  
Kokichi doesn’t have to look to know what kind of expression Kaito must have on his face right now.

  
  
“I mean, the heroes in stories never die, right? Even when all the odds are stacked against them.” Maki continues, “Like they have some kind of dumb plot armor.”

 

Instantly Kokichi’s stomach drops as a shiver runs down his spine. He can hear laughter from around the corner, and even Maki joins in. It takes a moment for him to realize that _she’s only joking._ Yes, it was a joke.  
  
Kokichi doesn’t find it funny though. Instead, he feels a dread loom over his heart as his mind jumps to the knife.

 

**_Test them. Eventually, you’ll have a 50/50 chance of ending the game._ **

 

 _He fears that he will figure out_ ** _exactly_** _what_ _the note is referring to soon._

 

But what would he have to sacrifice in order to get to that truth? Was there even a lie that he could comfort himself with if it meant what he thought it meant?

 

***

 

Kokichi thinks about what it means to be real.

 

Well, it was easy to say that he wanted to firmly believe in himself. Sure, he was an awful person and an even worse friend, but he was here. He was a person. _He exists._ But how could he know for certain?

 

**_What if this whole thing was an illusion?_ **

 

The sights and sounds and smells, _everything-_ **_was just an elaborate hoax?_ ** This could just be a vivid dream, much like the ones he experiences when he finally manages to pass out from studying every inch of evidence. How can he tell the difference between his waking world and his dreams?

 

Some would say, it’s obvious- you can do things in dreams that you can’t do in real life.

 

To that he offers, that this world could be fake too, a cruel and evil trick by someone that can only be a demon. The senses were nothing more than gross and inaccurate tools that can be easily tricked. It would be easy to trick the mind with illusions and biases and fallacies that don’t really help us gather anything more than caveman like answers.

_Hot. Cold. Sweet. Salty. Hard. Soft._

**_Could they ever really know if they were dreaming or not?_ **

 

People were even easier to **doubt**.

 

They lied. They cheat and steal. Promises have always been made to be broken. Even the people who you trust the most will most certainly let you down, but say nice things while they are doing it. Look at them here, everyone thought they wouldn't kill. Couldn’t kill.

 

Yet here they are, with nine dead classmates. (Two of them who he can’t help but dream of, staring down at him with as much judgment as the classmates that were alive.)

 

So if Kokichi **doubts** this world, **doubts** his senses, **doubts** his friends- _should he even believe in himself?_

 

Should he believe in the dreams of sleeping at the bottom of the ocean, looking up at memories that seem more like a film than his own?

 

Should he believe that all he has come to know is nothing more than a lie, _that nothing in this world holds even an ounce of truth?_

 

**_Could he believe in something as absurd as making the lies of the world his truth?_ **

 

_Kokichi wasn’t sure._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He supposes that there would be no way to convince someone that they don’t exist.

 

The ideas in their heads and the thoughts rushing through his mind- they don’t belong to the world. They may be muddled by the senses, but they don’t belong to the world! No, they weren’t something that Monokuma could manipulate. Those flashback lights are nasty little things, trying to stuff fake bullshit into their minds. Motive videos and all kinds of media were the same as well.

 

It was only when the person accepted them as truth that they became memories.

 

And sadly, everyone here was primed to say yes.

 

And even if all his memories are lies, riddles with a blurriness that make him feel like a loser, he knew his thoughts and ideas transcended that **doubt**.

 

Like how everytime he sees Shuichi, he can't help but-

 

He crushes the thought, he couldn’t admit that.

 

Still, how could he not be real if he could think? You can’t deceive someone if there is no one to deceive.

 

**_Test them. Eventually, you’ll have a 50/50 chance of ending the game._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He knows what he must do.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Ok so I may or may not have left a little something for yall in the fic. There's a specific sentence I want to get parroted back to me, and if you are the first one to do so, I'll give you a free 500-word drabble of anything you want (within reason).
> 
> Kudos and Comments mean a lot so leave them for me if you wanna see more!  
> Until next time


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